I hate that word. Like, actually.
When I was in this one group, someone pointed out that urge and purge rhyme. Ever since then, I’ve hated the word even more.
Purging generally means to get rid of. Like, I need to purge this eating disorder from my life.
Certainly, it should not be on anyone’s mind concerning food, ever.
But it’s on mine and it might be on yours and I strongly resent that. I want better for us.
So much fucking better.
I don’t even know how to explain purging to people who don’t struggle with the demon. It’s disgusting and embarrassing. It’s something you hate about yourself, but something you hate not doing even more.
“Kids are starving in Africa and you’re just wasting food.”
“Throwing up won’t help you lose weight.”
“I HATE throwing up.”
Actually, you need to shut up. Please. When people say the aforementioned things, it makes me die a little inside.
You think I want to be like this? You think I want to have ANY of these eating disorders; do you think anyone does? If you do, you’re sadly mistaken. I should be mad at you for that, but I’m usually struck by how happy it makes me that people do not understand. I figure ignorance is bliss and well, at least one more person isn’t suffering. But I truly do get enraged sometimes at the blatant disregard for peoples’ feelings…with eating disorders or any other addiction. It HURTS.
When people talk about throwing up, I get triggered. When I eat, I typically want to run to the bathroom. When I hear someone throwing up, I want to crawl into a hole and cry and then of course, puke up everything I’ve ever eaten.
I don’t think people realize how much people suffer from bulimia.
It’s almost been a year since I had to stop purging cold turkey. I was being threatened with inpatient by doctors for medial instability. I wasn’t allowed to walk up a hill at my school from the pond due to heart concerns. Granted, it is a big hill, but still, what the hell? I was 17 at the time. Too young for that. We’re all too young for that.
It’s easy to assume since it’s been awhile that I don’t struggle anymore with purging. Sure, the other stuff is still there, like restriction. But let me clarify that that is simply not the case for purging is still, unfortunately, a devil on my shoulder.
Like now, for instance.
Times like these remind me that eating disorders are not all about food and weight. I didn’t binge. I didn’t overeat. I didn’t even follow my meal plan. And yet all day I’ve wanted to throw up and throw up again and again until I passed out. Then wake up and start again.
It makes me ridiculously sad that I want to do this. But it makes me even more depressed that I have to keep on trying to fight these urges. Day in and day out.
Sometimes, I just want a break from my life. I think everyone can relate to that feeling of despair and pain. It’s hard.
So if you’re feeling invalidated right now, for whatever reason, let me just remind you that I’m struggling through this recovery thing all the time, and that I get how motherfucking difficult it is to stay on track. I know. I still want to throw up now. The amount of excitement I get from thinking about it is beyond disturbing. But as my boyfriend says, “tell yourself you can’t do it.”
He’s right. I can’t do it. It doesn’t bother me right now that it puts my life at risk. It just bothers me that I’d be hurting so many people with it. And then eventually, I’d have to stop or die; gain back weight or die; go into programs or die. I don’t want to be put in that position. More accurately, I don’t want to put myself in that position.
I don’t want to be the sick girlfriend, daughter, friend, whatever. That’s not how it’s supposed to be.
I just wish sometimes that I didn’t have to feel like this. That we all didn’t have to.
But maybe one day we won’t, and that’s worth fighting for…moment by moment.
I may have moments, like now, where I don’t think recovery is worth it. Still, like an obedient schoolgirl who needs to do her homework (which I, coincidentally, also need to do…) I need to work on believing it, on making it stick. Ehgads…that should be fun…
But the moral of the story? Eating disorders suck.
OH, and purging is a stupid word and an even stupider action.
So fuck you, bulimia.
Instead of wondering when your next vacation is, maybe you should set up a life you don’t need to escape from.